Too Late to Save Myself
by Lea of Mirkwood
Summary: [Lost Boys] I was drawn to Star for the same reason Michael was. I saw it in his eyes the first time I ever saw him look at her.


Too Late to Save Myself

Lea of Mirkwood

PG

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I was drawn to Star for the same reason Michael was. I saw it in his eyes the first time I ever saw him look at her. She had some kind of fairy gypsy whimsy to her, like the glittering glass beads tinkling and chiming in the window of a New Age store. She had an innocent look-but-don't-touch aura around her, like the most beautiful girl in the world walking with her parents. She first showed up at the Santa Carla boardwalk wearing her jangly bracelets, white blouses and mystic skirts on Easter Sunday. She had a cheap pink bag over her shoulder with a bunny patch on the side. To innocent to drink. Too beautiful to leave. I let her be drawn in. She never questioned why we only came out at night. She was too polite to ask. I first caught her – you could say that – on the merry-go-round. She was on a pink pony with a gold saddle, smiling happily. She didn't even notice me when I walked up beside the mount. She reached down to pet the horse's plastic nose and I caught her wrist. She was startled and pleased. It was a beautiful combination. Without a word I cupped her cheek in my hand, like I had touched countless others. But none had been so perfect.

"What's your name?" I asked her. She smiled shyly.

"Star," she said, with an air of someone reluctantly confessing a secret love: shame and a touch of reckless pride. I smiled.

"Hello, Star," I said. "I'm David."

I turned away and moved off the revolving platform. There it was. My downfall. I heard her repeat my name once, thoughtfully, as I disappeared from her sight. The next night I found her buying a new necklace. Before her precious money could leave her pretty little hands with their sparkly painted nails I handed the vendor money of mine, procured from dinner. She looked to see who her benefactor was, and again the happy-startled look came to her face. I liked that.

"David!" she exclaimed happily. She remembered my name. The lady handed me the change. I tried to give it to Star; she refused. I loved her for it. I took the delicate flower necklace from her hands and held it up to her neck. She lifted up her wild mane of hair and let me pass my hands around and fasten the clasp.

"How are you tonight, Star?" I asked. She turned to face me, lifting her bunny bag back over her shoulder.

"Great," she said, smiling at me. If my heart still pulsed, it would have fluttered. I took her bag and her hand and we walked. The Boys saw me occasionally, but knew to leave me alone. I left her at midnight, when she began to yawn as all mortals do. I rejoined the Boys and we fed, far from the hostel where Star slept. It went on for weeks, but I always longed for more.

Star trembled when she first touched my cold skin. I should have known then, but then I kissed her and she didn't think about it any more. I hoped she didn't think about it, or anything. I only thought of Star, Star, Star, the stars behind my eyelids, and warm lips on skin that had been cold for so long. Her heart beat like the wings of a bird against my still chest when I drew her near. I should have known.

I took her in a dark hotel. She was drunk with love. I think it was love. It was beautiful, like Dracula and Mina with deep emotion and real love, and she drank blood, real blood, not bottled and stopped up in a wine bottle. Star lapped it up from where it pooled in the hollow of my collarbone. I thought being a vampire would suit her to perfection. She was already so beautiful. But it didn't work.

She was horrified by me. I repulsed her. She resented me. If I'd had a heart left to break, it would have been in pieces. Loneliness consumed me. I was frozen. I would never grow old with someone, or die by their side. That was Star's idea of a perfect end, not a neverend. She shut me out and thought I'd ruined her. She cried and begged for hours for me to change her back, but it was irreversible. I tried to kiss her. I bent my head down but she cried out and struck me. Tears filled her beautiful movie-star eyes and I wondered how long it had been since I'd cried.

She never fed. It made my chest ache to see her shuddering in the corner, biting the sheets on the bed to keep from biting anything else when we came back smelling of blood and death. She refused blood and grew weaker, even when I cut my own wrist and offered it to her.

She gave in eventually and fed on raw steaks. She refused to kill. The gentle heart of Star would never kill. If she hadn't already closed herself to me, her sensitivity would have made me rain kisses down on her face. If she hadn't discarded me, cut me. The good health of vampires couldn't heal what heart I had left. Soon even her love couldn't.

Her fairy gamin smile drew Michael like a moth to a flame. He smiled at her like I had. Looked at her like I had. But she kept losing herself in his eyes, not mine, because he was mortal. First I turned him to make her hate him. Too late. She could never hate him for being one of us. I told her to kill her. She did not, and now I am waiting.

I can cry again. Star ran away with Michael and as she ran one of the little bastards she was with killed Marko. We're mourning him until dusk. He was the littlest of the Boys. His jacket is on my lap, soaked with his blood and my new tears. Marko sewed the patches and embroidery himself. It was his badge. The sun will go down soon. There isn't any more hope for me. I tried to love Star, but I loved her life and she hated her death and my death and the Star I thought I loved was gone from me forever and belonged to Michael. I have no heart left.

All it came down to was Star. If I hadn't, or if Michael hadn't fallen for her fairy gypsy whimsy charm, I wouldn't have been challenged. Marko wouldn't be gone. 

So now I'll take my revenge. 

It's all I have left.

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I can't light no more of your darkness

All my pictures seem to fade to black and white

I'm growing tired and time stands still before me

Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling

I took a chance and changed your way of life

But you misread my meaning when I met you

Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me

Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see

I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free

But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line

But see me once and see the way I feel

Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm

But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

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It's 1 am. This has not been beta'd. I didn't have time. Tell me if there's any big mistakes.


End file.
